When 'Just Checking In' Becomes Control

You are finally sitting down to a quiet dinner with your children. The television is off, the conversation is flowing, and for the first time since the separation, things feel relatively normal. Then, your phone buzzes. It’s a text from your ex-partner: “How is the dinner? Is Jamie eating his peas? Put him on FaceTime for five minutes so I can say goodnight.”

Ten minutes later, the phone buzzes again. Then a FaceTime request follows. What started as a peaceful evening is now a series of interruptions. Your children are no longer focused on their meal or the conversation; they are looking at the device, sensing the tension, and waiting for the next "check-in."

While it might feel like "staying involved" or "checking in" from the other side, for the parent with the kids, it often feels like a digital tether: a way for an ex-partner to maintain presence and control during time that isn't theirs. At Absolute Dispute Resolution, we see how these constant intrusions, however well-intentioned they may seem, can slowly erode the quality of parenting time and increase conflict for everyone involved.

The Subtle Shift: From Involvement to Intrusion

It is natural to miss your children when they are away. In the early stages of a separation or divorce, the silence in your own home can be deafening. You might feel a genuine need to know they are safe, fed, and happy.

However, there is a fine line between a healthy connection and intrusive monitoring. When "checking in" happens multiple times a day, or at critical times like bedtime and meals, it stops being about the child’s needs and starts being about the parent’s anxiety or a desire for control.

This constant contact often creates an "anxiety bleed." The children sense that the parent who isn't there is worried or hovering, which makes it difficult for them to fully settle in with the parent who is there. Instead of enjoying their time, they are kept in a state of transition, never quite allowed to detach from one parent to focus on the other.

The Courts Take Notice: Hatzis v. Hatzis (2025)

What does meaningful contact look like for a child who is moving between two homes? More phone time is not always the answer, especially when every call becomes another point of tension between parents.

That issue came up in Hatzis v. Hatzis, 2025 ONSC 2814, an Ontario family law case involving an 8-year-old child and parents in a high-conflict relationship. Their parenting arrangement required a 10-minute FaceTime call every day.

The court decided that this daily routine was not the best fit for the child or the family dynamic. Instead, it changed the schedule so that during a five-day parenting block, there would be one 20-minute FaceTime call on the third day only. During two-day blocks, there would be no calls.

The reasoning was practical and child-focused:

• The child was old enough to manage short periods without daily contact. At age 8, the child did not need a call every single day to stay connected with the other parent.

• Fewer calls meant fewer chances for the parents to clash. In a high-conflict situation, even a brief daily call can become one more source of stress and disagreement.

• The child needed room to settle into each home. A simpler schedule gave the child more space to relax, adjust, and be present where they were.

The takeaway is straightforward: a contact schedule should support the child’s stability, not add more pressure to an already tense co-parenting arrangement.

Why Constant Contact Can Harm Children

Research into child development and co-parenting consistently shows that children thrive when they have clear boundaries and "permission" to enjoy their time with each parent. When the phone is constantly ringing, that permission is revoked.

1. Emotional Insecurity: If a child is repeatedly pulled into adult conflict via phone calls or if they feel they have to "report back" to the other parent, they develop emotional insecurity. They worry about the stability of their world.

2. Difficulty with Self-Regulation: When a child is appropriately engaged in a task or a game, and they are interrupted by an intrusive call, it impairs their ability to regulate their emotions and focus. They become "dysregulated," often leading to outbursts or withdrawal after the call ends.

3. Feeling "In the Middle": Constant contact often uses the child as a messenger or a monitor. They feel responsible for keeping the absent parent happy, which is a heavy emotional burden for any child to carry.

Practical Guidance for Setting Boundaries

If you are the parent on the receiving end of these constant "check-ins," it can be incredibly frustrating. It can feel like your parenting is being micromanaged or that your time is being devalued. Here is how you can approach the situation with a focus on your child's well-being:

• Document the Impact: Keep a simple log of how your child reacts to the calls. Do they become upset afterward? Do they refuse to pick up the phone? This isn't about "building a case" so much as it is about having clear data to discuss in mediation or with a parent coordinator.

• Propose a "Tech-Free" Window: Suggest specific times when the phone is put away (e.g., between 5:30 PM and 7:30 PM for dinner and homework). This creates a predictable space where the child can be fully present.

• Keep it Child-Focused: If you must address it with your ex-partner, frame it around the child’s routine. Instead of saying, "Stop texting me," try, "Jamie is finding it hard to settle into his homework when the phone buzzes. Let's try to stick to one call at 7:00 PM so he can focus."

• Refer to the Schedule: If your agreement or order specifies call times, stick to them. You are not "being mean" by not answering outside of those times; you are providing structure.

How Mediation and Parent Coordination Help

Often, the parent who is over-contacting doesn't realize the damage they are doing. They may genuinely believe they are being "good parents" by staying so involved. This is where professional intervention becomes invaluable.

In Mediation, we can help both parents understand the impact of these digital intrusions. We work to create a communication protocol that respects both the need for connection and the need for privacy. You can explore how to balance being involved in activities without overwhelming the other household.

For high-conflict situations where boundaries are constantly ignored, a Parenting Coordinator can be a game-changer. A coordinator has the authority to make binding decisions on day-to-day issues, like the frequency and duration of FaceTime calls, thereby taking the "fight" out of the parents' hands and putting the focus back on what the children actually need.

Moving Toward a Healthier Balance

The goal of any parenting plan should be to allow children to move between homes with as little stress as possible. This requires a level of trust: trust that the other parent is capable, that the children are safe, and that your bond with your children is strong enough to survive a few days of silence.

If you find that the digital tether is pulling too tight, remember that you have the right to seek a more peaceful dynamic. Whether through a skilled human mediator or by applying the principles found in cases like Hatzis, you can reclaim your parenting time and give your children the space they need to simply be kids.

At Absolute Dispute Resolution, we are here to help you navigate these complex modern boundaries. If you’re struggling with intrusive contact or need help establishing a communication plan that works, reach out to us today. Let’s find a way to turn down the noise and focus on what truly matters.